Please pardon the interruption.
Service will resume momentarily.

Aug 26, 2004

I watched the Daily Show yesterday; finally John Kerry agreed to be their celebrity guest. The results? 1) If possible, I like Kerry even less today than I did the day before yesterday, and 2) if there is an elementary particle of respect (the respectron?), I just managed to split it and apply the smaller half to the American political system.

(Just as an FYI, before yesterday I had, by my calculations, three respectrons for the American political system, 21 for Dave Matthews Band, 32 for Bush Jr and 67 for the scummy black residue at the bottom of my cat's litter box.)

I know a lot of my readers are going to disagree with me on this (those of you with K/E2004 banners on your blogs are suffering from a respectron deficit of Dubyan proportions, by the by), so I'm going to present my case as clearly and scientifically as I can.

Observation A: Kerry speaking to the studio audience of the Daily Show is like Vince Dooley speaking to the UGA cheerleading squad.

Observation B: Nonetheless, he only managed to elicit two - two! - bursts of applause.

Comparison: Michael Moore (19 respectrons, most for figuring out which end of his camera to point at people) went on the Daily Show, and despite being a perennial embarrassment to liberals and having less than ten brain cells rattling around in his overly insulated skull, could scarcely finish a sentence without being drowned out by a torrent of exuberant ego-fellatio.

Conclusion One: Kerry is about as charismatic and inspiring as a lump of rotten wood.

Corollary to Conclusion One: Given that the President's power comes from his ability to garner popular support, lump-of-rotten-wood man is going to be as effective a leader as, say, a lump of rotten wood.

Observation C: Kerry's theme was that he was an honest man seeking to regain the trust of the American people by being open, frank, and clear.

Observation D: Kerry is a wheezing, loquacious windbag who refuses to even explain what exactly his campaign promises are. He repeatedly promised to "tell America the truth" and "put America to work" while being anything but open, frank, or clear about what the truth was or where the jobs were going to come from.

Comparison: Bush Jr at least waited until he was in office to start spouting pollyanna bullshit while completely obfuscating the reasoning, goals, and methods behind it.

Conclusion Two: Kerry is about as reliable a keystone for America as, for example, a lump of rotten wood.

Corollary to Conclusion Two: Putting our country in the hands of Kerry is like putting a 747 in the hands of - you guessed it - a lump of rotten wood.

Aside: You may notice a vaguely lumpy, woodsy, rotten-smelling motif developing. This is because I want this presentation and the language thereof to be as clear as possible. Kerry bears a remarkable resemblance to a walking, talking lump of rotten wood, thus I should use this comparison as frequently as possible. For the sake of clarity.

Observation E: Jon Stewart (astronomical respectron count; best expressed in scientific notation or using moles) kept trying to liven up the interview with one-liners and amusing anecdotes.

Observation F: Not one audience member so much as chuckled throughout the interview. Stewart's witty quips were sucked into the massive unfunny field of Kerry's hideous corpse-face like white doves (symbolizing peace, innocence, truth, and love) being devoured by the ravening maw of hell.

Comparison: Zell Miller (surprisingly high respectron count well into the tens of thousands), perceived as a nasty turncoat by the majority of the audience, used simple charm and a dash of wit to warm up their initial impassivity; soon the audience was laughing easily.

Conclusion Three: Kerry is so devoid of personality that his negative personality leeches all human emotion from any room he enters.

Corollary to Conclusion Three: John Kerry is the Antichrist.


FINAL CONCLUSION: Third parties are the least of all evils.
Nick ::: 2:11 AM ::: 0 comments

0 Comments:

Post a Comment