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Mar 7, 2005

The dining halls have switched their TVs from CNN to Fox News. I thought it was a temporary thing but it's been like that for ages now. The worst part is that since I don't have cable it's the only TV I get. How scary is that?

So I thought today's post would be Fox-themed. First of all, I think that my (largely liberal) readers should know some of the awesome catchy names Fox uses for their news, and feel jealous that their crappy CNN doesn't have such great wit.

"In the Foxlight"
This is a pun, or play on words, for in the spotlight, which refers to someone who is famous. See, famous people are what these news stories are about. But why do those clever dicks at the network say "fox" light? Because it is on FOX news! Ha!

And televisions run on light, or something. I haven't figured that part out.

"Fox Rx"
Before I talk about this, I should mention that Rx is a codeword that people use to mark drugs. So if anyone ever gives you a plant or a bag full of leaves, make sure it doesn't have a sticker that says Rx on it, because that means that that plant/bag of leaves is a drug plant/bag of leaves. If you find such a tag, perform a citizen's arrest immediately.

Anyway, when the respectable news people of Fox want to talk about drug news, they use the title Fox Rx, because Fox rhymes with Rx. See how they both end in the same letter? But in this case, Rx does not mean actual drugs. They are just talking about drugs. So don't try to arrest Neil Cavuto. Neil Cavuto does not have any drugs.

"Foxlife"
This is the title used to signify news for stupid people. In an unusual concession to political correctness, Fox acknowledges that stupid people want to watch the news, too. So they talk about celebrities and television and the Michael Jackson trial. They also have a column today entitled "Grrr!" because stupid people have quite the appetite for onomatopeia.

"Fox411"
This one's for you, recovering CNN junkies! "Fox411" stories contain something called information, which is sometimes used as a bland substitute for the flagrant partisan hatemongering more savvy news audiences - like Fox's - prefer. 411 is actually a phone number you can dial to get a service which is coincidentally called information, just like these stories. The two informations are not related but both are very boring.

In other (fox) news...

BILL O'REILLY IS A SERIOUS JOURNALIST!!!
Today we will discuss good ol' Bill's contribution to literature with his new book, The O'Reilly Factor for Kids. But he can explain it best in his own words:

• I wish I'd had this book when I was a teenager. Unfortunately, no one had written a realistic book for kids. The O'Reilly Factor for Kids is a survival guide. It will give you an edge in facing the challenges of this crazy but exciting time of your life. And that edge will make your life easier.


• What does an adult know? Well, I have a career that's lots of fun and makes me a lot of money. I've also never forgotten what it was like to be a teenager.


• Okay, you know I've made money. I don't usually spend much of it and I certainly don't show it off. But one thing I do that costs a few bucks is set up a trip every year to some exotic faraway place -- the Caribbean, the Hawaiian Islands -- where I sail and swim and dive with old friends.


• Telling yourself the truth is going to be one of the hardest jobs in your teen years. I'll show you how.


• You may have seen me on my daily TV program, The O'Reilly Factor, or heard me on the radio. If you have, you know that I tell it straight, no matter what. And I make sure my guests tell the truth, too. I am as honest in this guide as I am on the air.


• But The O'Reilly Factor for Kids is not about me. This book is about you.

Feel that wisdom searing through your body, clogging up your arteries?

Mmmm. Wisdom.

Yay Fox News!

-N
Nick ::: 2:42 PM ::: 0 comments

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