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Sep 12, 2003

Johnny Cash died today from an acute case of VMA. MTV viewers are advised to deactivate their sets immediately following the proximity warning signal snog. The President has issued a shoot-on-sight imperative for 50 Cent, Marshall "Slim 'Eminem' Shady" Mathers, Ashton Kutcher, and the Olsen Twins, for their connection to the death. Bush advised would-be celebrity hunters that 50 Cent should be considered armed and dangerous, and that Mary Kate and Ashley might be using look-alike decoys.

In other celebrity news, a representative of the French government condemned the cast of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" for alleged cultural imperialism. Halfway through his speech, the official was killed in a suicide blast. Initial reports indicate the bomber was allowed into the country on a special "Buy One Get One Free" terrorist visa. French authorities promised to reevaluate their immigrant screening process, but were distracted by a wedge of cheese.

In other international news, the hunt for Saddam Hussein is still bearing no fruit. In desperation, the Armed Forces have formulated a plan to send Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time, naked, to terminate Saddam and allow killer robots take over Iraq. However, the Austrian expatriate's current involvement in the California election may prove an insurmountable hindrance. In that event, investigators may revert to their backup plan, in which the time machine will instead send Seth Green. The comedian says he plans to "kill [Saddam] while he's on the crapper or something."
Nick ::: 2:56 PM ::: 0 comments

Sep 9, 2003

I have found the solution to my complete lack of inclination for trudging up a hill to the office regularly to check my e-mail and blog. Aren't you all excited? Here it is: on Tuesdays, I have this great big gap between the end of my English class at 3:30ish and the start of my Marine Science lab at 5:45. Instead of sitting around on one of the ubiquitous park benches in the sweltering Athens sun or desperately cramming for the start-of-lab quiz, the way I did the last two weeks, I've decided to use this time to adjourn to the Student Learning Center and update my poor, neglected blog. This building has everything: computers, vending machines, scattered easy chairs, even a coffee shop! If any of you are regularly online during this time, I'll also be hanging about on AIM. Hopefully by this weekend I'll have the internet in my bedroom, but even so I'd like to make the Tuesday Evening Update an institution.

So what am I up to?

No, seriously, I asked you a question: what am I up to? I sure as hell don't know. My classes are pretty easy and I haven't had any big graded projects yet. I write a lot, mostly out of boredom, but I haven't gotten anything published in the Red & Black because apparently they lost my opinion stuff (hopefully they lost my opinion stuff, as some of the crap that's gone in instead has been horribly written, and I'd be utterly insulted if this were by choice) and I've been vastly too lazy to write that feature on the University's architecture.

I mean, honestly, who really wants to spend an afternoon looking up architecture experts just to ask them whose idea the stupid little brick ramps on the stairways were?

Our stove has finally been fixed, so my diet is moving up a notch from microwaved Ramen or Macaroni and Cheese to stovetop Ramen or Macaroni and Cheese. No, seriously, this brings canned stews into my reach! Today Extra Chunky Beef & Potatos, tomorrow the world!

Roommate Brandon is getting less prominently annoying, as the rest of us are beginning to band together against him. Whenever possible, we watch TV so he has to move his Xbox into his room if he wants to play it. He hasn't taken the hint and usually brings it back out later, though. His new method of striking back is constantly smoking up in his room so that the entire apartment ends up reeking of Mary Jane. Hopefully he'll get arrested soon.

I'm warming up to bulldogs. I wouldn't name mine "Uga" though, or give it a number like it's a stupid screen name. To be honest, I'd still prefer a lower-maintenance cat.

I'm really enjoying UGA football, something I didn't expect. My roommates love it and the R&B covers it very well, so it's easy to follow. Also, we're winning, which is a nice touch. Tickets are heinous to scalp, though, and a lab project prevented me from signing up on the ONE FREAKING DAY freshmen were able to...what a stupid system.

A lot of people are IMing me. They're all telling me how long it's been since I last got online, as if I weren't aware. Seriously, good to hear from everyone, especially since I haven't had a chance to check any blogs.

BUY A HOT DOG FROM THE HOT DOG MAN! OVERTHROW THE PLUTOCRATS!

If anyone has any questions about my continuing existence, I invite them to ask. I'll try to answer them all in the next Tuesday Evening Update. And now, some features.

Lame Poem of the Week / "Waiting"

waiting
watching windows
hours numbers
trickling by

yawning gap
mind the empty time

confused and silent
quiet
introverted
nothing to say

appointments crowd out action
schedules lock me here
like deadbolts
with eaten keys

steady splosh
water follows time
humming air conditioners
industrial monotony

mottled shade on paper
graphite slicing thought
into regular intervals
just as clocks cut seconds
from my day spent
waiting

Accomplishment of the Week
After altogether too much time spent thinking about it, I have finally developed a signature that I am satisfied with. I can't show it to you, or I'd have to kill you.

Activity of the Week
Turning up the volume on my stereo loud enough to drown myself out and singing along with my favorite mix CDs. Best around 11:00 when no one else is in the apartment and my blinds are closed. Be sure to turn off phone, as sudden ringing is sure to cause acute embarrassment.

Professorial Idiocy of the Week
Trying to illustrate the slow action of pain receptors, my Psyc teacher kicked the wall and said, calmly, "Damn, I stubbed my toe."

Overly Drawn-Out Deep Thought of the Week / The Zen of the Bus Stop
As with so many things in life, the bus stop presents us with several options and a single, difficult choice.

Where to wait?

The bus might take a long time to arrive, so the surroundings really do make a difference. In my experience, buses can be as much as half an hour late, even though they're supposed to arrive every 15 minutes. That means you can end up stuck in whatever position you choose for 45 minutes.

So what are your choices?

Well, there's that handy bench, but even that has its own options. If you want to be in the shade you have to sit on the right corner. Then again, that puts you right next to the trash can -- muy stinky. But if you want to sit in a patch of fresher air, to the left, you're stuck with the sun beating down on your neck. Sitting in the middle is no happy medium, either -- you're still in the sun and the smell isn't noticeably different from the rightmost seat.

Of course, you don't have to sit on the bend. If you have back problems, you probably shouldn't anyway, as it's really more of a long stool with no back. The bus rider who chooses to stand can easily locate a shady spot with a pleasant scent...and stand there, unmoving, for three quarters of an hour. One begins to suspect a trade-off, especially when the bus arrives with all the seats full.

But don't despair! There are extra-benchal places to rest your buttocks. The power transformer for the entire complex is nearby, giving off enough electricity to make your hair stand on end and soaking up enough sun to give you a nasty burn. It also vibrates at an unsettling frequency for the males who rest certain bits on its surface, but let's not quibble.

If even that doesn't suit your fancy, you can always sit on the grass and have your flesh consumed by ants and chiggers. This is not recommended for senior citizens, whose flesh is tough and unappetizing.

All in all, waiting for the bus can be just as much of an experience as riding it. At least, just as painfully long and monotonous. Hopefully this will help you evaluate your options when you choose to ride mass transit.




...I think that's all I have to say. Until next time I can be bothered!
Nick ::: 5:11 PM ::: 0 comments