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Feb 23, 2004

Exciting story!

I set my alarm for 8:15 this morning, but I stayed up later than I should have talking to Caroline. So, of course, I ended up hitting the "alarm off" button instead of "snooze," and didn't wake up until 10:13. That was when I realized that I had my Film midterm at - you guessed it - 10:10. Yay for living off-campus!

So I threw on my clothes, skipped breakfast, and practically ran all the way up the himalayan transplant that is Mount Aspen, getting to the bus stop at 10:19. No sooner had I sat down on the bench than I saw Roommate Brad drive up on his way to class. I'm saved! I thought, and waved.

He waved back, and didn't even stop to look both ways before making a right turn off into the sunset.

Apparently I'd just missed a bus because one didn't come until 10:29. Every second waiting for my stop was an eternity, and there were enough seconds to make it 10:44 when we finally halted in front of Tate. That's a lot more eternity than one usually gets in a well-ordered universe.

I walked to the SLC as quickly as I could, but I could already feel my body's scanty reserves of fat running out of energy. "Relay for life?" somebody nagged. "Late for a midterm," I bit back.

I burst through the lecture hall doors, and the first person I saw was my TA, Jessica. "I'm late," I said to her, on the basis that great entrances are made by statement of the obvious. "Can I still take the test?"

Oh, yes, Nick. Of course you can take the test. But it's almost the end of our time in this room and there's another fucking class waiting outside who will be in here in seven fucking minutes. Would you like to take your midterm in seven fucking minutes??

I sat down in the nearest empty seat. I think I dislodged someone's backpack, but if they protested I must have reflexively kicked them in the face because I have no recollection of any complaints. Scanning through the test, I realized that it was made up of an essay, a few short answer questions, and a bunch of multiple choice.

I skipped to the multiple choix first. Let me tell you, I was writing down letters like a madman. A! D! B! E! No, wait, E isn't one of the choices, it's B! I don't know if you're aware of any of the tricks to fast multiple choice, but I invented enough to write The Definitive Guide to Multiple Choice - for Speed! First of all I didn't read any question more than once. If the answer wasn't immediately apparent I went with my gut, no regrets. I was quick. I was like the hare running across the desert.

Once I finished the Multiple Choice I jumped back to that big bitch of an essay. Prong one! Prong two! Prong three! I was going to tie all the prongs together in a conclusion, but in the middle of Prong two, the other TA stood up in front of the class and said "We're technically out of time, but I'm not going to kick you out until they kick me out." So even squeezing prong three in there was a bit of a stretch.

Now my hand was starting to hurt. As I flipped to the third and final section of the test, the lecturer took the mic. No creepy talk of lovers and foreplay this time, oh no. "We are now being kicked out so you must turn in your tests." As my peers began to shuffle forward to the desk, I settled down for some serious short answering.

I cut through those questions like Uma Thurman through a crowd of Asian mobsters. I was actually debating whether to write out the oft-used word "characters," or use more aerodynamic words like "folks" or "ppl." I wrote out "characters."

On your left, Black Mamba! Categorical form is the unbiased presentation of information to inform the audience in a documentary! HUU-TAH!

I came out of the classroom dripping with blood and holding my head high. And that is the true story of the seven-minute midterm.
Nick ::: 11:46 AM ::: 0 comments