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Feb 12, 2004

I gave myself a mix CD for my belated birthday. God I'm cheap.

I've also been playing old Zelda for the original Nintendo on my computer. Did anyone else play that game at a friend's house as a kid? I remember the game was all golden and sparkly, and how I thought that was the coolest thing since the green highlights on the ET videotape.

Of course, I was terrified of ET as a kid. Whenever I see Adam do his ET thing, I laugh, but there's also a tiny part of my brain that's screaming, "RUN!!" in a high pitched five-year-old's voice.

I finished reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the second time today. God, Tolkien is a trip. Someone get me the Silmarillion for my birthday, ok? Anyway, this second time through I felt differently about "the scouring of the shire," that little niblet right at the end of RotK, and I was wondering what other people thought of it? Geeky question, I know, but I'm a sucker for feedback.
Nick ::: 11:24 PM ::: 0 comments

Feb 11, 2004

I was going to write a Valentine's blog, but then I realized that it isn't Valentine's Day yet. I even had this killer opener, and I'll undoubtedly forget it by Saturday. So apologies in advance for the lousy V-day blog which won't be nearly as pithy as if I'd bit the bullet and written it right now.

Of course, it occurs to me that today is my birthday. Unfortunately, this does not lend itself well to lengthy and thoughtful blogs. I mean, I'm 19. How do I explore the topic more deeply than that?

At this time last year I was at Milton and we'd just finished the Breakfast Club. I was going out with Caroline but we were still in that hush-hush secret phase of the relationship. Looking back over the intervening months, I can only say one thing:

Um. I started college since then.

You can't see it, but I'm scratching my head in perplexity. No meaningful insights? No sudden epiphanies in the understanding of myself as a person? Usually when someone does something trite like look over the past year of his life - on his birthday especially - he at least gets misty-eyed and has a flashback sequence. Here I am, bereft of sentimentality and staring at an essentially empty post.

I was happy where I was a year ago, and I'm happy where I am now. I made sure to pack up that happiness and bring it with me, which is more than I can say for a lot of other people.

I've done some things since I turned 18. I filled up notebooks with stories and songs and poems, and I thought about intellectual questions, and I met interesting people, and I jumped to some fascinating conclusions. I finally settled on a favorite band after I went to their amazing concert. I finally took a break from writing long enough to start learning to write. I finally resolved to transition from being musical to being a musician.

I've been enthusiastic and I've been sentimental and I've been emphatic and I've been afraid. I've told some stories and I've gathered a few new ones and I've laid a few old standbys to rest. I've spent a good number of hours playing old video games and discovering new TV shows. I've learned to cook a mean frozen Tombstone pizza. I've discovered that writers are a dime a dozen and talent alone won't get you to the top.

But when it comes down to it, all these wonderful and mundane things that have happened to me are just a list, an itinerary. I go through them without being really changed or developed by them. I've been there and I've bought the t-shirt, but it just sits there in my closet and I never wear it.

I'm just the same boring ol' Nick who filled up the leftover roles and then inconveniently showed up at social gatherings. I'm still unceasingly critical, I still aspire to be witty and incisive, and I still like to think of myself as a happy cynic. I still crave respect and recognition and Little Debbie Star Crunch. I still prefer living in a dream over living for a dream. I still disparage idealists without letting go of my own flavor of idealism.

Maybe I just got too complicated too quickly and now I can't add any further intricacies without falling apart. Maybe I've just finished growing and reached that age where it all turns into a slow, steady decline. Maybe I haven't worked hard enough to broaden myself, or maybe I'm too broad and I've neglected to add any depth.

Maybe I'm just a pompous, self-indulgent douche bag who has nothing better to do than wax pseudo-philosophical on my elitist, narcissistic public journal.

Maybe I should take a nap.

Nick ::: 12:02 PM ::: 0 comments